Am I from planet Mars?

Just finished a challenging course outdoors, my first with an all-American adult audience. Challenging not quite because of the material covered, but because I had to fight lots of my own demons. I realized that after some twenty plus years living in the US - I still felt inadequate in communicating in English. I felt again like a newly arrived immigrant from planet Mars. Why? Are we forever plagued with self-doubt if there's no land to call one's own?

It's the little cultural differences that struck me and wouldn't let me move beyond them. Participants not wanting to be close together, seeking solitary time instead. People not wanting my communal blanket, my tables and paint tubes brought to share, my Dale Carnegie inspired chitter-chatter about their everyday lives.

When indoors with a Russian-speaking group it's all about wanting to have good company, sharing some therapeutic insights into our lives and the world outside, taking my lead into exploring how our creative outcomes tell us something about things needing attention in real life.

Or is this just two sides of my own personality wanting to fight it out, clashing in their goals? Part of me wants a great tight group of friends to share in the experience of finding myself. Yet, another part wants some alone time, to reflect and come to my own conclusions, without someone's five cents in the process. Was this experience merely a mirror into how we all struggle to find our true self?

Material exploration vs. progress

So my goal when planning the curriculum for the school was to make sure there're varieties of materials at hand and that at every lesson there's a rotating exploration of various art forms: painting, drawing, collage and sculpting... half the classes indoors and have outdoors.

This way kids never get bored, feel more open to experiment and discover hidden talents.

However, there's this constant demand for progress, and the trouble is that by the time a monthly rotation is over and we start on the same medium again next month - it often feels like they don't remember how to approach it and we're starting from scratch. To anxious parents who are trying to ascertain progress at the end of each class it also doesn't feel like things are moving fast enough. It feels like more of a jerky reaction approach rather than a program developed for long term natural growth.

But then I'm totally against a step by step demo class, and every time I show my own variation, they immediately copy what I did as opposed to turning on their imaginations or powers of observation. I really don't want every child to walk out with my version of a cat. I want them to observe the world and develop their own schemas that will remain with them for a lifetime, or change based on their changing perceptions of the world...not mine. And I don't want to be the teacher who says: 'You came here to paint, so why are you so focused on the sharpener?' I think sharpening pencils is part of the process of material exploration and developing comfort with the medium.

Also, if I prolong a project which half a class wasn't thrilled about, then it turns into the torture many kids associate with school projects and art is no longer fun and therapeutic like it should be.

So it's a constant dilemma and I know I can't be all things to all people, but how do I achieve this balance between teaching technique and providing fun variety of media?

Dynamics of a group

Adults change based on whom they encounter, despite our trying to stay 'true' to ourselves. We're different with our parents and with friends, with our spouses and with our children. I'm now starting to see how early this change in behaviors occurs. Any new variable in the group determines its success, starting from when the kids begin to interact, at the age of 3.

I was reviewing notes from a fellow teacher when I was preparing for classes and was wondering why she talked about each new student entering her class. It's a huge adjustment - that's why! One bad apple spoils the bunch they say...Sadly, quite a true statement and a tough one to control. No child behaves similarly in any given group, and it takes most quite a bit of time to adjust to any change.

Siblings act together as a unit, exhibiting roles they have adapted at home, for comfort sake, younger mimicking the older, older ones overprotecting the young. When separated, they're very different individuals. Those constantly acting out in front of parents, to win some independence and control of their lives, have no need to do so in an unknown setting where everyone is on a level ground. Loud kids quiet down and turn their gazes inwards, introvert kids feel they can speak up in a smaller group setting.

So how does one ever begin to stay true to him/herself if we're constantly adjusting? Do we ever know who we are if cards change so many times per day? And what is better for the kids - stability or constant change to develop strong personalities?